


Tied tongue

by tenmillionotters



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 20:12:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16394330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenmillionotters/pseuds/tenmillionotters
Summary: “Ask me already.”“I- …”, it was stupid to try to hide anything from him, he should have known that, “Do you feel… do you also feel guilty for being alive?”Was it rude of him to ask that? He knew that Marude had been a part of the oppressing system much longer than he himself.





	Tied tongue

Ui sighed deeply and let go of the tension his body had build up while he took the elevator to the 5th floor of the apartment building. It wasn’t like him to visit… colleagues… if he could even call him that. Those were remains of other life by now, still, neither of them could completely shake off the past. 

In some cases metaphorically in others literally. 

He rang the doorbell and heard voices coming from the inside of the flat. After a while footsteps moved closer to the door. He shouldn’t have rang the doorbell… The door slowly opened and his eyes were met with those of his former superior. To his surprise he looked more healthy and relaxed than Ui expected. 

“Come in, he got a little scared by the sound of the doorbell but he’s okay now,” Ui followed him almost unwillingly but he was the one who wanted to come here in first place. Was he worried or was he just curious? Maybe both… 

Nobody really understood why Marude chose to become the guardian of… he didn’t want to call him by his name. There was nothing _great_ about him anymore. The Washuu name was tainted, it would become a relic of the past, it would be forgotten with time. 

Ui was surprised when he walked into the broad and spacious living room. Only now he noticed how open the entire structure of the flat actually was, it felt like there were almost no walls, the large windows granted an open and wide view on the city while sunlight flooded the space. 

The room was furnished but it still felt as if not all the space was used, there was a sofa, a TV, a small bookshelf that leaned against a lonely wall, a futon that seemed to be used more often than just during the night and in the middle of the room sat the shadow of a man he used to know. 

He looked up at Ui, his glassy eyes mustered him and he flinched, he tried to find a place to hide but when Marude approached him he stumbled in his direction and clung to his arm. 

“Shh… it’s okay… you don’t recognise him, do you?” 

He only shook his head. 

“... it’s a friend of mine, he’s not here to take you away. He only wanted to talk to me. Is that okay?” 

Even though it seemed like he did not like the idea of having to be alone with himself for a while, he nodded and slumped down on the floor. Ui was surprised to watch Marude sit down with him and cup his cheeks like a little cat’s head, “Hey… it’s only for a little while okay? I won’t go away either. Do you want to watch your show while I’m busy?” 

His expression changed to a genuine smile and he nodded happy, only now Ui noticed that he had never seen him smile genuinely before. It was such an odd scene, he only knew Marude as a hot headed choleric asshole, to put it nicely, and he didn’t want to lose any word about Furuta… he just couldn’t shake off the horrors he had to live through because of him. 

No… it wasn’t because of him, but because of the family he was born into. They only slowly uncovered the truth about the Washuu and the Sunlit Garden. Bit by bit, piece by piece. It was too much for them to stomach all at once. If it already was too much for them, he could hardly imagine what it must have been like for someone who was born into a system like that. 

Yes… calling it a family was disrespectful to the term and everyone who actually had one. They were nothing but a construction of economically planned out reproduction systems. Ui lowered his gaze, he felt horrible for witnessing such an innocent scene with thoughts like that on his mind. 

He swallowed hard and sighed, the happy and playful theme song of the anime made the whole scene only more absurd. 

“Sit on your pillow, the ground is too cold,” Marude carefully wrapped a blanket around the other man’s body and lifted his arms up before putting a pillow on his legs. There was no chance that he would react now, when he watched his show he was quiet. 

Ui quietly followed the older man into the kitchen, the TV’s volume was turned up loud enough for them to talk in a comfortable way without disturbing Furuta. 

“Do you want something to drink…? Coffee, tea?” 

“Do you have black tea?” 

He felt his fingers tap against the tabletop, it was a habit he picked up when he stopped smoking 4 months ago. It was a sudden change, he just couldn’t bring himself to take another drag and talk to people. Every bit of pain he felt, the longing, everything reminded him of the fact that he was still alive when he shouldn’t be. 

“... is there a particular reason why you wanted to see us or was it just out of curiosity if I’m still alive?” 

“I wanted to see both of you,” there was no reason why he should lie, he was still as self serving as ever. He watched Marude nod quietly while he prepared the tea and then looked over to Furuta who was lightly swaying to the tune of the theme song to the cat themed show he watched. Maybe it was rude to ask but he was curious, “Is he…”

“No, … or… rather, we can’t really tell. He hasn’t spoken a word since we found him, I don’t know if it is trauma or… just the reaction to it,” after learning more and more about the Sunlit Garden he felt as if everything was just falling in place. It all made sense to him now, “It’s a shame that we couldn’t get the girl out… maybe if I would have planned this better…” 

When he faced Furuta there was no resentment in his eyes, he looked a little worried but it was more of an emotion he had rarely seen before. It was guilt. 

“I think he wants a cat,” it would have been something trivial if he said it about anyone else, “Keeping him distracted is really hard. He used to cry a lot and he hurt himself, he only stopped when I stood around him at all times. I can only do chores and go out when he’s asleep and that used to be hourly intervals at first… now he can sleep more than eight hours a day. I would like to say he’s recovering but nobody can tell me how much time is left.” 

Ui sipped on the tea and fell quiet. He felt dirty. He shouldn’t have come here with the intention of satisfying his own curiosity, but when he was honest he only told himself that was his reasoning because he was scared to tell the truth. 

“Ask me already.”

“I- …”, it was stupid to try to hide anything from him, he should have known that, “Do you feel… do you also feel guilty for being alive?” 

Was it rude of him to ask that? He knew that Marude had been a part of the oppressing system much longer than he himself.

“More than ever before to be honest, but when I look at him I don’t… at least not too much anymore, what do you think would have happened if someone else would have taken him in? I mean after all he was left to die alone in this place… if it hadn’t been for the girl I don’t know if I would have found him alive.” 

Girl… which girl…? Right, he meant the dragon. 

“You know, we really aren’t the ones who should be able to see the world change like this. Neither of us earned it,” he smiled sadly, “These kids’ lives shouldn’t have been ruined for this… they’re the real victims here, you know? I’ll grow even older than this and so will you. They never got the same chances as we did.” 

Furuta slowly stood up and waddled into the kitchen, he didn’t like walking, his legs were still shaky. He opened the fridge as pulled out a bottle of water before waddling over to Marude. It seemed so natural watching them communicate without words, but Ui knew that it probably took endless hours of frustration on both ends to get this far.

“Do you want me to change the DVD too?”

He shook his head and patted his hand against his chest.

“You’re doing it yourself? If you need help let me know okay?” 

There it was again, this bright genuine smile, but he flinched when he got too close to Ui. He began feeling uneasy, he was really an intruder. 

“I used to have to help him drink and eat. It’s rewarding to see him being able to do it himself again, but also…”, also what?, “Seeing a grown man struggle with simple tasks because his body has been destroyed over trying to change this world is a sad reminder of how much we fucked up.” 

“We really have…”, would Ihei be in the same position as Furuta if she were still alive now? 

“We should have started questioning all of it sooner,” a shadow of heartbreak hushed over his face, “If we would have questioned this system and listened to the whispers he wouldn’t have had to scream to be heard.”

“And now he lost his voice.”

They sat together quietly for a couple more minutes. The tea tasted bitter and salty. Once he would leave this place he had to ask questions again, he would have to find answers and face the reality they build. 

Did he expect to feel less guilty seeing that even Furuta was doing well? No, no he wasn’t doing well. Marude was right. They didn’t earn their new found freedom, they didn’t earn to peacefully coexists when the real victims never escaped the cycle of death and abuse. 

“Do you think he can forgive us one day?”

“I don’t think I would want to, when I am honest with you, son.” 

These words kept ringing in his ears even when he left. There wouldn’t be any salvation for them, they could try to reduce the damage they caused and tried to redeem themselves, but there was nobody they could ask for forgiveness. They were sleeping now. Or didn’t say a word. 

Marude quietly cleaned the kitchen and after a while he felt a hand tugging at the hem of his shirt, he turned around and smiled looking at Furuta’s flustered face, “Are you hungry?” 

He nodded slowly, he knew that he could eat by himself but he didn’t like it. He wanted Marude to take care of it. They sat down in Furuta’s favourite spot, in the middle of the living room where the sunshine was warm but never too hot, where he could watch the whole city in complete silence. 

The older man opened a small container and gently pushed a spoon into the younger one’s widely opened mouth. He used to refuse food until Marude had to beg him just to eat something, anything… then he did. Now he was asking for food every time he got hungry.   
Maybe he just liked being fed so much, but it did help his health to get back on track, so Marude wouldn’t complain. In moments like this everything was quiet but he didn’t care, the past months had been so loud he cherished moments like this. 

“I hope I didn’t interrupt your very _intimate_ moment but I got everything you asked me for, Marude-san.” 

His body tensed up and he sighed heavily, rolling his eyes, he heard Furuta giggle as reaction to his dismay and he couldn’t help but laugh himself, “Uta, I told you it’s fine that you somehow got a spare key to my flat but PLEASE call me first before you come here.”

For a moment the man just stood in the door frame as if he seriously thought about the request but then he just shrugged and began to pack everything he brought into the fridge and the cabinets. 

“Do you want to finish your meal or…?” 

Furuta always got excited when Uta stopped by, it seemed like Uta was the only person he could still communicate with in his own way, even more so than he did with Marude. But he nodded and patiently finished his meal before sitting down on his pillow waiting for Uta to join him. 

“So today you’re in a very good mood huh?”, Uta smiled and sat down on the floor, “You already look much betters. Does Marude-san take good care of you?” 

He’d let them have this moment, Uta was one of the few people who still regularly stopped by to check on Furuta, either everyone else didn’t care or they were afraid to face the reality with which Marude had to live everyday. All of them were guilty of contributing to this, lives were lost to break the system but it shouldn’t have taken the life of an once innocent child. 

It were thoughts that were slowly suffocating him in quiet moments where he had never felt guilt before it was now omnipresent, but it was okay. It meant that things were changing, if he wouldn’t have felt this way then Lord knows what would have happened to Furuta. 

Back in the kitchen Marude nearly fell over a couple of boxes Uta had placed outside of Furuta’s view. So he really did bring everything he was asked for… 

“Souta-kun, close your eyes and open your hands please.” 

He began shaking his head.

“Furuta, trust me he won’t hurt you,” Marude walked back to them and sat down next to the young man. Even though he still didn’t like the thought he nodded and closed his eyes, opening his hands. 

The sudden weight put into his hand made him gasp in confusion, but he wasn’t allowed to open his eyes yet. He felt little feet in his hand… fur… 

“Open your eyes!” 

Furuta nearly fell over when he looked at a small black cat sitting in his hands, he looked at Uta and Marude, he opened his mouth as if he was about to ask them what this was all about but no words came out. 

“She’s yours! Yes, you can keep her,” Uta smiled but it seemed like Furuta wanted to hear it from Marude too. 

“I asked Uta to get a cat for you, I felt like you wanted one…”

The young man immediately started petting the cat gently before he held her small body against his ear to hear her purr. 

“What do you want to name her?”

He pointed at the TV, his favourite show was still running. Furuta’s expression bounced between excitement and tears of joy, but he did make sure they got his cat’s name right. 

“Chi?”, Marude smiled and nodded, “That’s a very pretty name for a very pretty cat.”

While his caretaker and friend were busy setting up everything little Chi would need to make herself comfortable, Furuta spent his time bonding with her. Even when she playfully kicked and bit him, he didn’t flinch. He made heaving noises that sounded like laughter, Chi would have to get used to the fact that her new owner would never be able to call her by her name. 

Playing so much must have exhausted them both, as only a couple of minutes later they were lying on Furuta’s futon, fast asleep. 

“Thank you for your help, Uta,” he carefully adjusted Chi’s new bed and gestured at the kitchen, “Would you like a cup of coffee before you go?”

“But of course!”, who was he to decline such a kind offer? He moved through the flat as if it was his own home, he sat down in his usual spot and looked around, “With the cat tree and her toys lying around the space doesn’t look too sad anymore. Did you ever think of getting some houseplants?”

“I don’t want to overwhelm Furuta… if he lets me know that he wants them I’ll get them. I think owning a cat will be enough of a change for him now,” for both of them, he wanted him to take care of as many things himself as possible, plants were delicate, watching them wither would make him sad. 

“Understandable… but if you ever change your mind, let me know,” an amused smile danced around the corners of his mouth, “I’d love this place to become a home for both of you, not just him.” 

“What do you mean…?” 

Uta smiled and shrugged, if he didn’t understand it now, maybe soon he would. 

This man was a riddle, Marude sighed and focused on the coffee again. He learned how to brew it right from Uta too, before he didn’t really care about it. Could he call him a friend? Probably. They got along well, Uta was… a funny one. But it felt like he also understood the people around him in ways that Marude found himself to be jealous of. Where had been ignorant for years, Uta was attentive, observant. 

“You know…,” there were things he could only tell Uta, it felt like he could only have this conversation with someone who had observed the scenery that unfolded before him, “I wonder… if… it would have changed anything if I would have listened to him when I still had the chance, instead of dancing to a tune that someone else played for me.” 

“I don’t think that the a single person can change the world… but I’ll be honest, you see what it did to him,” Uta sighed and stirred his coffee, “It would have changed his world though, still, it’s not too late to do that and if you ask me, you’re doing it already. Even if you don’t see.” 

“... I am glad you think so… but I… don’t think that what I’m doing is something great. I feel like I’m years late with it. All these kids could have been saved if the adults around them wouldn’t have been so blinded by their own ideals and pseudo good intentions.”

“And so what? You can’t undo what happened, you’re guilty, I can’t deny it but at least you’re trying to redeem yourself. Other people just go on with their lives, as if this _peace_ and change didn’t come from his sacrifice,” there was a mildly disappointed tone in his voice, disappointed but not surprised, “The fact that you’re there for him, even showing him kindness without obligations… I think all of this means way more to him than you can -” 

Only when he felt the tears drip down on his hands he realised that he had been crying. He wanted to speak his mind, he wanted to be honest, but all that he could do was nod through a veil of tears. 

Silence fell, only the soft breathing of the cat and her owner was audible now. But without rain there wouldn’t be flowers, so they let it rain a little longer. 

After a while Furuta woke up, the cat was still fast asleep on his chest, he didn’t dare to move an inch until she did. 

“You’re finally awake?” 

He turned to Uta and nodded slowly, he was still sleepy… 

“I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye,” he laughed, gently patting the younger man’s head, “Be good. I’ll come and visit you again soon.” 

The words were hazy, he couldn’t make out their meaning until Uta had already left. For some reason Marude-san was awfully quiet, he gave Chi her first meal, he avoided his gaze. 

How odd… hours would pass, silence would linger between them. The sun would set, Furuta would watch the light fade while thousands of little lights began illuminating the city. 

He stretched his hand out into the emptiness next to him, he felt another hand grasp it firmly. Their eyes met, he smiled warmly at the other man that could barely contain himself. 

“I’m so sorry…” 

There was nothing he could say, literally. Instead he just held his hand tighter, smiled warmer. 

Maybe his forgiveness… whatever else it was that he saw in his eyes, that he felt in his touch, were things he didn’t earn, but he knew that it made the hardships and burdens that were lying before them so much easier to overcome. 

“Souta… I…”

“... m… me… t-too…”


End file.
